Two weeks ago from today I received the telephone call that I would be going home from my mission due to health problems. This was NOT part of my life plan. At all. I was planning to serve the full eighteen months, come home, go back to school and continue in my wonderful life plan. However, Heavenly Father had other plans for me. I got home and it was super weird. And hard. And different. And did I mention that it was hard? When I got home, there wasn't any plans. The only plan I was told was to get better and then go from there. As the days passed by, many different questions arose in my mind.
Before I went home, I got an email from my dad saying that if I had faith, which he believed I did, I could ask Heavenly Father to heal me so I could stay in the mission field if it was according to the will of the Lord. I fell to my knees that night and prayed with all my heart to be healed. Before I knew it I was on a plane coming home. I began to wonder if I was meant to come home for another reason in addition to receiving the medical attention I needed. Did I complete my mission in Nicaragua? Was I only needed there to serve the Lord for 7 months? Am I suppose to come home to get reassigned and serve the Lord somewhere else? Was I suppose to come home to meet someone? Was I suppose to start school again? Questions like this muddled my mind and I grew very confused. I felt utterly lost in the direction in my life. I did everything I could to receive inspiration from my Father in Heaven about what was the path I should take in my life: read the scriptures, pray, ponder, go to the temple and pray some more. Time passed and I still had not received any direction in regard to what I should do with my life. I started to grow very frustrated and to be honest, upset, that in the times I needed help the most I was not receiving it.
These past couple of days have been very humbling for me as I have been tested on the things I learned from my mission. In a way, I felt as if I was God's investigator. Being a missionary, I knew the answers to most of the questions I was having. Why does God give us trials? To help us grow and become more spiritually refined which assists us, as children of God, to become more like him. Why am I not receiving answers? Because I need to have patience and rely on the Lord's timing, knowing that his timing is better than mine. It was so frustrating because I knew all the answers but I never realized until now how hard it is to live it. Respect gained for all of my investigators on my mission! I read a General Conference talked by Elder Scott called, "Trust in the Lord," which I felt like was meant for me. Elder Scott states that "this life is an experience in profound trust in Jesus Christ." He continues by stating that "to exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it." After putting our trust in the Lord, then we need to "act where we are able; then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while we give to others in worthy ways."
"In all of living, having much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
- President Gordon B. Hinckley